We can all lack a bit of humility sometimes. I’ve never considered myself as pompous or cocky ever much, but lately I can see where a bit of boasting has come into play in my life. In fact, I used to beat myself up for being or feeling confident in anything I did as part of my former spiritual brow beating I performed regularly on myself and also permitted other similarly convoluted people to do to me. Being proud of myself openly or the things I achieved felt in conflict with my path with God somehow. How dare I? I would write in my journal and talk to God begging Him to forgive me for how absolutely sinful I had been for committing my pride to action.
Yes, Him, not him, because He is not the HE I used to know before but the real He now for me.
Yes, for me.
Maybe it was just me or I was being fueled in some way. It was both, but I believe mostly the latter than the former. How does a young child withdraw from a path she was forced to tread, nose down, dragging at first and slowly walking straight into her own spiritual death willingly. I can’t help it any more, some of this boasting. I spent so many years putting myself down that now I feel like I have something to cheer and scream hey look at me about in my life, my self. I could make a list, but I’ll spare you.
I’ve since been free to be inspired by people, music, life, love and a whole different world of ideas and life and love and pain and pulling and twisting and hammering it all out now and again and then again. I’ve been knocked down but I get up again. And I gotta’ say that I’m up again. Up. I’m up not because life isn’t hard sometimes because it still is and for many reasons. My life is up right now because my point of view is located in a different direction, a new perspective on the same beautiful landscape that never failed me, a back drop ever present. Life has knocked the wind right out of my sails again and again and again. People have tried to strip me down and lock me up and shut me up and knock me down and then on the other end I’ve found people who have stuck by me no matter what and they are few and far between and they and God, and my kids and husband...they are all I need.
But if you take all of that away. My view of self, what I think of myself and the proper thought of God in the mix of my life, if I had no one and nothing this would take me off the luxurious understanding of how He and me and things really are in the heart of hearts and soul of souls of me.
But I see me. It took many years for me to see myself. I was in a cult of religion and personality that only the men, the appointed leaders were the achievers and succeeders and rise-abovers out in the open, giving and receiving proper credence. Women were subservient and to be quiet and lowly. It’s over and done with, that life to many degrees. Those bad voices, whispers, nudges, judgments with each year inside my head become ever dimmer. I can see people fresh, and more fresh as I have pulled myself farther away each year from that old long much programmed life, old self, old beat self down ways.
Humility? Yes, to humility, but what version or who’s version do we follow? I go by a new credo. Love self, love God and love your neighbor. Be proud of yourself, your God and your love and zest for life. Dream of things you will and can be and how and when you will succeed and boast within yourself and cheer your fellows on around you to do the same. There is so much freedom and way more than you think! Soak it up and soak it in and spread the wealth. Ah, it’s so damn good. This life. It’s hard to leave damn out. It’s just none other than damn good.
